Bleeding Heart Of Mine
by staceyyyy
Summary: She should have noticed the changes. There were a lot of things that she 'should have done'. But life isn't a fairytale. Angst Warning.
1. The Hearts That Bleeds

**Disclaimer - i do not own Arrow. **

She was just a stepping-stone for him, a bump in the road that led to bigger and better things she knew. To his what she hoped to be a bright and happy future.

She wasn't sure when this thing between them started.

Wasn't sure when fierce looks had turned into heated touches.

Touches that turned into frenzied rendezvouses.

The first time it had happened was in the foundry after a particularly heinous criminal had been dealt with, but only after leaving Oliver with a few cracked ribs and a hollow heart from killing the man.

It was a way for them to escape from their own heads and only focus on each other. Even if it was for a couple of hours.

Oliver's body fairly molded to hers as he crushed her into one of the metal pillars of the lair in their haste.

A pillar that she could no longer look at without drudging up the memories of his flaming touch that left liquid fire on her skin in its wake.

He didn't mention it the next day. Not a word was spoken between them about the incident and if Digg had noticed anything different in his two partners and friends the next day, he didn't let on.

She had convinced herself it was a one time thing, a single heat of the moment act of desperation on both of their accounts.

The next time it happened at her house.

It was on one of the Arrow Team's rare nights off and she had decided to enjoy it by staying at home and watching shows that she had missed between her life as Oliver Queen's girl Wednesday and the Arrow's IT specialist. If she had gotten a food coma in the process then so be it.

She had called it and early night, taking the initiative to actually sleep more than the usual three or four hours a night that she usually got.

It was around that time that she had noticed she was getting a lot more tired than she usually would have been.

After two years of working her two taxing jobs she had gotten accustomed to the minimal amount of sleep that she was getting but for the last couple of weeks she seemed to be tired from the moment she woke up and would get gradually more and more exhausted as the day wore on.

She had pushed all those thoughts aside at the time, chalking it up to more stress than usual. If that was even possible.

The sound of tapping on her bedroom window was what had woken her up.

She didn't ask questions, just got up from her bed, opened the window latch and let him into her home. Her bedroom. For she had long ago unknowingly and without permission from her brain let him into her heart.

He was buried deep within her in minutes, his leathers strewn around them on her floor. They hadn't even made it to her bed.

There were no words of explanation – none where needed.

She knew he was using her. She knew it was unfair to her. Hell, she even knew that the guilt about this would eat away at him for touching her, for letting himself use her body the way he did.

A small part of her even relished in the fact that he would be engulfed in guilt for doing this to her, for it made up for a bit of the pain that she knew she would feel come morning when her bed would be empty and cold. With only the scent of his cologne in the air and the soreness between her thighs to confirm that it wasn't just a dream.

For his regret and guilt from being with her would be the most blinding kind of pain for in her chest. In her heart that had long ago been shattered.

And so it continued. Always behind closed doors, away from the prying eyes of their team members and friends.

They never spoke about what occurred between them, and it was business as usual for Team Arrow. One bad guy at a time.

Sometimes it was hard and rough, bordering on harsh.

Both of them worse for wear after the event. Her with bruises on the skin of her arms and hips from his grip as he pummeled into her. Him with long scratches along the expanse of his back and crescent like moon shapes on his biceps from her nails where she had broken the skin.

Other times it was soft and slow, as if he was scared to break her, and she hated this the most.

She hated that he thought she was weak. That she couldn't handle herself and everything that he had to offer. She knew him better than anyone else, better than even he knew himself so when he hid himself from her in the moment that mattered most she felt like he was deceiving her. Lying to her.

Because he thought she was weak.

The weakest link of the team.

She could heal from physical hurt, the emotional damage caused from his slow hands against her body however created a scar she wasn't sure she could recover from.

She had long ago learned to disregard the bags under her eyes, with the full knowledge that it from lack of sleep and stress. Stress from her jobs, stress over worrying about her friends and family. Stress from her heart continually breaking while watching Oliver with other women. He didn't sleep with them, of that she was sure, but it didn't stop them from throwing themselves at him, trying to get even a piece of him.

They just weren't aware that there were no more pieces left to take. The island had taken them all until he was almost a shell of a man.

And stress from the aftermath of every night spent with him.

But looking at herself properly for the first time in months, she couldn't help but notice her clothes didn't sit quite right. She stripped in front of the mirror of her bathroom and looked at her body, taking inventory of the changes that she saw.

Her hair had lost its usual bounce and sheen, no longer falling in the wavy ringlets she was used to seeing.

She had noticed for the first time that her collarbones and hipbones were sticking out drastically. She could visibly see the outline of her ribs.

Finger shaped dark blue bruises on her hips stuck out visibly on her sickly pale skin. Bruises she was used to, but they had never been so dark. Or had her skin never been this pale?

Something was wrong. How had she not noticed this before?

Because Oliver had consumed her. Her days were all about Oliver Queen. All her nights were spent with the Arrow. And her time off? Well that was spent with a broken vigilante.

Every fiber of her being belonged to him.

And hiding that fact was getting harder by the day. Hiding the pain she felt when he acted like nothing had happened between them, _was_ happening between them. Hiding that pain cut through her like a jagged and rusty knife.

She had made an appointment with the doctor weeks ago and had undergone all sorts of tests and checks. Now would be the second time she sat in the hard hospital chair staring at the white wall in front of her, only this time she was waiting to be called in and notified of the results.

Leaving the office hadn't been easy, the steady stream of questions from both the men she worked with were thrown her way without fail since telling them last night that she had to leave the office early that day.

She wouldn't cave and tell them were she was going, especially if there turned out to be nothing wrong. They didn't need to worry about this, didn't need yet another thing to make them think her to be weak. She didn't need their pity – she didn't even think she could handle it.

So she masterfully evaded all their questioning and scoffed outright at Digg's jab at her about going on a date, failing to notice in her frustration Oliver's shoulders sag in relief when she told them it was certainly was not a date she was going to.

"Felicity Smoak?"

Her heart plummeted into her stomach at the words; her name being called out was like a cold bucket of water being poured over her head.

It was time to face reality, she wasn't living in a fairytale, the good girls didn't get the happily ever after they read about in books while growing up.

All she had gotten was fleeting moments of happiness amidst days of chaos and despair.

She stood up, squaring her shoulders and ready to face the music, with the single knowledge that whatever she found out today, it would be her cross to bear alone.

**Please review - LOVE to all - Stace X**


	2. Missed Signs

**Disclaimer – I do not own Arrow. **

She didn't even know how she managed to get home; she couldn't for the life of her remember the drive or even getting out of the car.

The fact that she did should be something she was grateful for, but she couldn't seem to muster up a positive reaction towards anything.

There was no way she would make it to the foundry tonight, let alone the office today, the team and Oliver be damned. Not that they would notice her not being there in the first place.

She was always sidelined anyway, pushed aside out of danger like a child or just moved out of the way in general.

Most of what the doctor had said was wiped clean from her memory, but distinct words such as 'Addison's disease' and 'fatal' stuck in her mind as if they had neon lights attached to them.

Words that she feared she would never forget in her lifetime. However long that may be.

She had gotten lost amongst the technical jargon that the doctor had thrown at her, and it was only when she had broken down in tears that the doctor slowed down and explained to her what was happening with her body. The cause for her weight loss she had failed to notice, her skin being sickly pale.

Only when the doctor had started rattling off symptoms such as vomiting and fatigue did she really realize just how much she had missed. How many signs that her body was deteriorating she had overlooked. How little she had cared about herself over this past year.

Apparently without her knowledge she had been having issues with her adrenal glands, glands that were meant to help the body recover from stress. As they degenerated over time and her stress levels increased her body was slowly starting to shut down to the point of being almost fatal.

He did explain that she could recover if she looked after herself with the right medication and avoidance of stress, but how could she explain to him that her whole life revolved around stressful situations? That the IT specialist of the Arrow didn't really have a choice in her stress levels? That it was part of the job?

But she was stuck with this disease for life.

And would have to be on medication for life.

She knew she couldn't walk away from the Arrow business. Knew that what they did was important, that they put their lives on the line everyday to save the people of this city.

She was just doing it differently.

So she didn't shoot arrows at people like Oliver, wasn't a professional sniper like Digg or an ex assassin like Sarah.

She still couldn't just walk away.

When he had asked for her emergency contact details she had broken down into tears again. With no family and only Team Arrow to call friends who did she really have?

Oliver? The man she was sleeping with because she was too weak to so no to him even though she knew she was nothing more than a willing body to him?

Digg? He had a pregnant Lyla to worry about; he didn't need her problems on top of everything else.

Roy? The boy would help but he couldn't keep a secret from Oliver if he tried, and Oliver would beat it out of him if he resisted anyway.

And Sarah? The warped canary that was almost as damaged as Oliver? Well at least she wouldn't spill the beans on her. But she wasn't an option either.

No, she had no family, and she told the doctor as much through her tears.

Now that she was home she let the damn break again, no longer seeing the point of holding back the tears that had been threatening to overflow since leaving the hospital.

She was mentally and physically drained. Exhausted to the point of pain.

No, she would not be going to the foundry tonight. She'd feign sick, she thought with a snort. That wasn't even out of the realm of possibility anymore.

Too tired to even undress, she laid down on her bed on top of her covers, not caring about how uncomfortable the position was.

She had cried herself to sleep before, there was no reason she wouldn't be able to do so again.

~::F~O::~

When she hadn't made it to the office he was concerned.

When she hadn't called him or Digg he was worried.

When she failed to show up to the foundry he was distressed.

When her phone went straight to voicemail he was tormented by all the thoughts that ran through his mind of what could have happened to her. From kidnappings to car accidents, thousands of scenarios played out in his mind, each one worse than the last.

Around midnight he was sick of waiting for answers and headed to her apartment, hoping for whatever reason that she was stuck there and out of harms way.

What they had been doing was wrong. He knew it tore her apart every single time they were together. Every time he sought her out.

But he couldn't _not_ have her. He couldn't refuse himself the only light that he had in his life.

His life was too twisted for her to be in it, but she was already so firmly in place in every aspect that he wasn't even sure were she ended and he began anymore.

He could only imagine that if she was the light of his life he was the darkness in hers. The darkness that was slowly swallowing her whole.

He didn't fail to notice her light dimming with each day, the pain of it burned in his chest everyday.

Everyday he had a glimmer of hope that she would call him and tell him that she would not be coming back. That she was moving away from him, and Arrow and everything bad in their lives. Leaving this damned life behind for good.

But he had always been a selfish man, and he couldn't be the one to let her go. She had to be the one to walk away because he knew deep in his heart he wasn't strong enough. Wasn't strong enough to tell her to leave. Or to watch her as she walked away from him.

He needed the hours spent with her like he needed air to breathe.

She never asked why, and he never told her. It was their secret unspoken agreement, always under the dark cloak of the night.

So he went to her apartment, and knocked on her bedroom window as he had done countless times before from her rickety fire escape.

Only this time she didn't come and open the latch for him. Didn't greet him with the silence he craved and warm open arms that he had learned would give him peace.

He saw her form on the bed on top of the bed covers facing away from him, and for a brief moment he felt relief that she was finally rejecting him. Finally putting herself first and escaping the darkness that was steadily engulfing her.

He was almost in the process of turning away from watching her when he saw her shoulders shaking by the light shining into her apartment from the moon.

He wasn't sure if she was in the middle of a nightmare or whether she was crying, regardless of the motive he was quick to break the lock on her window and enter her bedroom, for the first time without permission.

He crept around her bed to face her and realized she was crying but still completely asleep, obviously in the throws of a nightmare.

And thoughts of her not coming into the foundry and not picking up his calls, even the anger and frustration that he had felt, flew out the window as soon as he saw her face in so much pain and agony.

It tore at the empty hole in his chest where his heart should have been.

He couldn't stop his feet from moving towards her, his knees from getting on the foot of the bed, his body from lying on the covers and his arms from encircling her.

Or his lips from murmuring words into her ear to wake up from her nightmare.

To tell her that she was safe.

To tell her that he was here.

To tell her to come back to him.

**I tried to simplify the medical stuff as much as possible so that my brain could work around it and so it's easier for everyone to understand. Addison's disease does actually exist and it can be fatal, my apologies to people that suffer from it or have friends/loved ones that are healing from it – please stay strong. **

**Anyway hope you enjoyed (as much as you can 'enjoy' an angsty piece). **

**Your reviews have been amazing already. Thank you. **

**Love to all – Stace **


	3. First Rays Of Dawn

**Disclaimer - I do not own Arrow. **

She was groggy and disorientated when she woke up, lately no matter how much she slept it never seemed to be enough.

It didn't help that the bed seemed to be moving beneath her.

She didn't know how she was going to explain her absence at the foundry and she dreaded to think how many missed calls she had gotten from them. But she deserved a day off. She had earned it.

She startled out of the sleep soaked reverie that she was in when the bed beneath her moved again.

She finally pried her eyes open to peer below her only to realise that she was laying on top of a chest. An extremely chiselled and heartbreakingly familiar chest.

He had obviously come in some time in the night, though she wasn't sure why he had stayed once he realised she was asleep.

He never stayed the night. Never let sleep overtake him in her bed and was always gone before the first rays of sunlight shone over the horizon. She didn't know whether it was because he didn't want to talk about what they did or because he was scared to face reality of what they were doing in the light of day. All she knew was that he had never let her see him that vulnerable. That unguarded.

She slowly moved off his chest, embarrassed and annoyed at herself for unconsciously seeking him out for comfort during the night, even if she was asleep at the time.

Wanting to give him a chance to leave, not being able to stomach watching him fumble for excuses to explain his presence in her bedroom, she got off the bed and made her way to the bathroom, knowing that his sharp island-honed senses would eventually pick up on her movements.

She was giving him an out. Another chance to pretend that nothing was happening.

She splashed water on her face but when that wasn't enough she stepped into the shower, hoping that the water would provide her some sort of comfort, some relief. It didn't, but it also served to make sure that Oliver was awake and gone by the time she got out.

So when she came out of her ensuite bathroom in a single towel, her hair dripping water all over the carpet, she didn't expect to see a still shirtless Oliver sitting on the edge of her bed, his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands.

"Oliver"

She felt exposed, naked, even though she was for the most part covered.

He lifted his gaze to her, allowing his eyes to rake over her form. She saw him visibly gape as his eyes attached to her exposed collarbones which she knew still had water droplets on them from her hair.

He had never actually seen her exposed in sunlight before. In any light really.

"What happened Felicity?" his voice was soft but she didn't miss the edge to it. As if he was holding everything back from her, all the emotions that were bubbling below the surface. She didn't know what he was so angry about and quite frankly, at the moment, she couldn't care less.

"Nothing, I wasn't feeling all that great so I decided to take a night off. We didn't have anything planned anyway mission wise and all the searches are still running in the foundry."

"That's not what I meant and you know it!" He couldn't hold it back anymore. The flame of anger that burnt inside him couldn't be controlled. All the thoughts of her being dead, kidnapped, hurt, flooded back into his mind forcing all rational thought out the window.

"I called. I texted. Nothing Felicity. I got absolutely nothing from you! I went half crazy with worry! A single text from you would have been enough. Just two words of 'I'm home' would have sufficed. But I got nothing from you" his voice had turned in to a whisper towards the end of his speech. As if he was finally reaching his breaking point, but still holding onto the edge for dear life.

Felicity's anger knew no bounds. That advice from the doctor to stay away from stress? How was that ever going to happen with this man around?

"Don't you dare Oliver Queen. Don't you dare say I've given you nothing. I have given you everything. All of me. Tried to be everything you needed me to be. So no, don't you fucking dare use that word." Her voice was a hiss he had never heard before. He had heard her loud voice, and while that was scary, this chilled the very blood that ran in his veins.

She knew it wasn't what he meant when he said the words but it still felt like a rusty dagger being twisted into her stomach.

"Felicity…" but he never got to finish his apology. Never got the opportunity to make her listen to his words of regret.

She put her hand up to make him finish talking before she started again "Don't Oliver, I've had enough. I've got too much going on right now to deal with all the drama that's going on between you and me".

"What's going on Felicity? Tell me, let me in" he urged.

She laughed, outright laughed in his face. A hysterical noise that made her shoulders shudder and her whole body shake.

"Coming from the man that has so many barriers up even he gets confused? Let you in? How Oliver? When have you ever let me in? Yes, you fuck me. Yes you come to me for release. But that's not letting me in, because it's exactly the same as what you did with Isabel."

He flinched at her words, wanting to protest to them, but knowing all of the things she said were true. Every last horrifying syllable.

He remained seated on the edge of her bed, even though he wanted to wrap her in his arms until everything was white noise in the background. Until the world imploded around them and it was just the two of them, with no pain or anguish.

"Felicity, what happened yesterday?" his voice lost the edge; it lost every single negative emotion until he sounded lost. Helpless.

She was left defenceless from that voice. She could handle him enraged, hurt, frustrated, stubborn, but this was one side of Oliver that she couldn't deal with right now. It chipped away at all the walls she had carefully built up around herself. Around her heart.

She hadn't planned on telling him, hadn't wanted to add to his worries. She was going to go through it alone because life was a bitch and you just had to go with it. And if it didn't kill her in the process it would definitely make her stronger.

But she didn't _want_ to do it alone.

She opened her mouth to speak but no words came out. No sound.

He took in her expression and thanked all the gods in the heavens that his quick reflexes let him catch her before she crumbled to the ground. Which is what she did. Fell to her knees in a heap of tears and pain.

He encased her in his arms, holding her as closely to his chest as he could; his arms acting like a barrier against all the troubles in the world.

And she wept. Bawled to be exact. After last night she didn't think she had anything left in her but clearly she was wrong. Her nose pressed into the crook of his neck, and he repositioned her so that she sat on his knees, while his back was to the base of her bed.

He didn't know how long they sat there, one of her hands holding the knot of her towel together and the other digging into his shoulder as she used it as leverage to hold her face to his neck.

He whispered sweets nothings in her ear, not even he was sure of the exact words that he mumbled to her. They were just general words of comfort, of protection.

There were no promises spoken. There never were.

Felicity knew he wouldn't, that he couldn't ever promise her anything, but that didn't stop her heart from aching in want.

Wanting for him to be there, to protect her and hold her, even if it was just for a little while.

Tomorrow is a new day in which she'd be stronger, smarter, tougher.

But today she'd allow herself to be weak. To seek the rare comfort of his arms.

And she let her eyes drift closed, already heavy from exhaustion, wishing that this feeling could last a little bit longer.

**Pretty please review :) **

**Stay safe - Stace XO**


	4. Offering

**Disclaimer - I do not own Arrow. **

She woke up startled, not knowing how she ended up in her bed in the first place.

The memories from this morning came flooding back in a tidal wave, of her waking up in Oliver's arms, breaking down in front of him.

She tried to wrack her brain but couldn't seem to recall telling him what was wrong with her, and for that at least she was thankful. He didn't need the extra burden on his shoulders.

Speaking of, where was the man in question? She heard someone moving around in her kitchen, but the Oliver Queen she knew didn't even know how to make a cup of coffee let alone use any of her kitchen appliances.

She got up off her bed, missing the warmth of it almost instantly, and reached for the robe that was draped across a chair sitting the corner of her room. Throwing it on she strode into the kitchen with a determined step but the sight that had greeted her was not one she expected.

"Sarah?"

The blonde rummaging in her cupboards barely spared her a glance before continuing whatever mission she was on.

"Good, your up. I was just in the process of trying to cook something, but you seem to be out of well, everything that can be considered food. No wonder you're so skinny." Sarah spoke in her usual business tone but it still cut Felicity, it still fueled the fire at being reprimanded like a child.

"I'm sorry that I've been a little preoccupied. I'm never actually home so any groceries that I buy go stale anyway," She snapped.

Finally the other woman, that was currently dominating her kitchen, turned to her. Maybe it was because Felicity saw her as a threat, maybe it was the background as an assassin, something about this woman intimidated Felicity in a way that she had never felt before.

"Stop with the pity party. And don't lash out at me. Oliver called me and told me something was wrong with you; something urgent came up at Queen Consolidated. He didn't want to leave you alone while he couldn't be here. I'm not the girly girl that I used to be but I can tell a useless man from a mile away. He's clueless as to what's going on with you. You don't want to tell him that's fine, I even get it, lets face it, he's not the most level minded person on earth."

She stepped closer to Felicity as she spoke, her voice softening as she continued.

"But Felicity you have to tell someone what's going on. And lets face it, we're surrounded by hardheaded males, I'm your best bet."

The words where said as fact, with no room for argument left from Felicity.

"Sarah, I'm fine honestly, just stressed and…"

What she wasn't expecting was the slap across her face. Her cheek stung from the assault but she knew Sarah had not put her weight behind it. If she had she wouldn't have still been sitting on her kitchen barstool.

"Don't insult my intelligence and snap the fuck out of it. You know me; you know you can trust me. Whatever it is I'll help you deal with it, we both know Oliver's hopeless when it comes to dealing with anything other then criminals. If your pregnant, we'll deal with it, if your just being moody, I'll slap you again and then force feed you ice cream until your better, now tell me what's wrong".

And she did. Everything. Once she started she couldn't stop.

She told her about sleeping with Oliver. There wasn't even a flinch at the news in the woman's face, only a knowing look but nothing more.

She told her about what she had felt over the last couple of months for Oliver. The heartache and the pain all rolled up into one big ball of anguish. Felicity was most grateful for the lack of judgment in Sarah's eyes. There was no understanding either, but certainly no judgment in those green depths.

And finally she told her about the disease. About the stress and her body degenerating and the fact that it could be fatal. That got a reaction from the woman sitting across from her.

Throughout the whole speech Sarah had never taken her eyes off the other woman, taking in every detail with a trained eye. But with this new piece of information she let out a hissed curse and turned her head away from the woman, not wanting to see the pain in Felicity's eyes any longer.

No words where then exchanged, Sarah hopped off the opposite barstool and walked over to the fridge, opened the freezer section and pulled out two tubs of ice cream. She walked back to the seat after digging out two spoons from the cutlery draw and pushed one tub and one spoon into Felicity's direction.

"I though you said you'd only give me ice cream if I was moody?" Felicity's hoarse voice spoke after a moment of staring at the offering.

"I don't think I've every encountered a more demanding time for ice cream than now Felicity, and I've been to a hell island."

They sat in silence again, each consumed in her own thoughts, until Sarah again found the need to break the quiet that had settled over the kitchen.

"You do know you have to tell Oliver right? He went crazy last night when you didn't show. Half of the training dummies need to be replaced, after the first ten minutes of sparring with him, Diggle flat out refused to continue fighting."

"I honestly don't know why Sarah, he's never said he wanted more from me. He comes to me when he needs to escape, that's it. There's no fairytale romance behind it. I'm easy for him, and that's my fault I know, but I can't say no to him". Her voice sounded broken even to her own ears.

"How both of you can be so stupid I will never know. And blind. I've known Oliver a long time Felicity, under all that anger and brooding he is just a man. A man that needs to love, he can't live without it. He doesn't know how to live without it, without you. But he's scared out of his mind as well, scared that he'll drag you under with him to the most darkest of places".

She stopped for breath, taking in the disbelieving features of the blonde sitting opposite her.

"He's scared of tainting you, even though he already has, and that why he's only allowing himself to be with you in the physical sense, because he's too scared of the emotional side, or at least of the consequences of the emotional side".

"He can't be in love with me Sarah, I would know". Her voice was firm, and Sarah knew she believed the words.

"Say's the second most clueless person I know," but Sarah knew her words wouldn't mean a thing to the determined girl in front of her. She didn't think much of anything would change Felicity's mind at this point. Barring Oliver himself saying the words, and even then she knew Felicity would have doubts in her head.

So she would just have to take matters into her own hands, honestly sometimes she thought that killing people was easier.

She glossed over everything that Felicity had told her that day and moved to the most important.

"When is your next doctors appointment?"

"Sarah, I'll be fine to go by myself like I went last time".

"Stop getting on my nerves, I didn't ask you whether you'd be fine or not. When is the appointment woman?"

"Eleven on Thursday".

Sarah just nodded her head, her mind already in motion with possibilities.

She would help these two lost souls find each other; they needed it more than anyone she had ever met. Both were so broken, almost to the point of no return. That is until they were together; then they healed each other in a way that she had never seen before.

God she missed her Nyssa.

**Apologies for the wait. After the last couple of episodes angst was really hard to write. Please leave a review :) **

**Stay safe - Stace**


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